Somehow I will

The past 2 weeks have been damn so hectic. For most days, slept at 5am or 6am and wake up at 9am or 11am. I’m drowning in all the assignments and practices. And next week doesn’t look any better, with a mid-term coming up and double the no. of assignments to hand in. Almost every day my schedule would be taken up from 12am to 6pm/8pm with lectures, tutorials or work, and then from 7.30pm/9pm to midnite with either dance or wushu or both. But…I’m not blaming the dance n wushu practices. On the contrary, I like them. They make me forget all the things I have yet to do, and I can be free to give out my everything. The prob is that it is only at ard 1.30am then that I can start working on my assignments…

Haiz…ok ok..yes indeed y am I saying all this to the whole wide world. To complain? Not really. I’m not afraid of hard work. I know I can work much more than that (yea..not talking abt health consequences here). But the thing that bothers me is that y can’t other ppl also sacrifice a bit of themselves for the benefit of the whole?…Don’t they love dance, or wushu, as well? Don’t they have the passion? If not, y did they join in the first place? …yes the obvious conclusion is for cca points. But somehow I have the feeling that it’s not entirely for the pts. Then y? Perhaps bcuz in life, every human being put themselves first. Their study is the utmost priority. I can understand that. I thought I did. But I thought also that maybe, helping something, which is not ur own personal self, to grow could also be satisfying sometimes… So I wanted to try. But now I know. It’s useless. Alone you cannot achieve much. And if others don’t want to do the same as u, then nothing will ever come out of it.

At least, over this past yr being dance head, I’ve learnt some things about how ppl think. It has changed me more than I think after all. I no longer believe ppl do things simply bcuz they like it, for instance. As Jeremy says, there are also some good side of ppl that I have learnt about. That some ppl can be too good to merit this unfairness ard them. But now, I think I have learnt enuf. Leading ppl can be totally satisfying sometimes, but at other times, also ur worst nightmare. Esp. wen u give so much, n u see others dun’t care at all abt it.

But then, y do I care after all? …This is just a hall. It’s just a club. Things that I leave in 2 yrs’ time anyway. Perhaps it’s bcuz…for this club, I know that in the past, someone has worked really hard to bring it to greater heights and since then work hard again to keep it alive. Perhaps it’s bcuz I keep thinking that it would be such a waste to stop here. Perhaps bcuz I do believe after all that we can go far beyond what we r now. And, all those reasons wld be pointless if I dunt continue to push now… So, again I’ll brace myself n bounce back. Keep the plan for external perf next yr up. Try to realize next yr all that I haven’t been able to achieve this yr. Ppl will keep coming n going. I can’t do anything abt it. So dear girl, big reminder for u: be blind to some things and don’t care sometimes. Argghhh…I need to keep this in my pea-sized head.

…~My duty lies with my heart~…

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